What Women Really Want

Nice men have always tried to get to grips with what women want. You can imagine, in ancient times, your caring cave man squatting over a beast he's just speared and wondering anxiously if his missus wants the kidneys as well as the chops because he really, really wants to please her.

On the other hand, your uncaring hunter would have been keener to please himself, simply assuming the little woman would be grateful for anything he happened to drag home.

But today, everyone cares about what women want. We are in an unprecedented position of power.

Why? Because we are the major keepers of the household wallet. Pleasing us is crucial because it's our buying power that keeps economies and nations humming.

Women, say the world's market researchers, are responsible for around 85% of all household purchases. Those who run big businesses are acutely aware of us and our wants.

'This is a new era for feminine power," says the CEO of Saatchi & Saatchi Worldwide, Kevin Roberts. "Deep emotional connections are where it's at and every company has to be up for it."

No longer are luxury cars bought only by well-heeled men. "Women form an increasingly important customer group," says the president and CEO of Volvo, Hans-Olov Olsson.

And highly paid business coaches like marketing guru Tom Peters are touring the world telling business seminar audiences: "What is business opportunity number one? In a single word, women. Women are premier business opportunities for anyone and everyone."

And so the big question, "what do women want?" is asked in every place that people make business decisions - from boardrooms to bars, around coffee tables and campfires.

Sophisticated research programmes are analysing us to death so that ad agencies can hit the spot every time they create a campaign. The latest trend is for big companies to fret over whether their brands are loaded with enough warm fuzzies to be considered a "Lovemark" - a term created at Saatchi's to describe the next step beyond branding.

"Lovemarks reach your heart as well as your mind, creating an intimate, emotional connection that you just can't live without," coos the blurb at www.lovemarks.com. Apparently it's no longer enough for products to be well-made and serviceable because, hell, we expect nothing else from modern manufacturers. Goods must also be imbued with attributes like mystery, sensuality, commitment, empathy and passion before we jaded consumers will respect and embrace them.

Now, as everyone works harder to supply what we want, every female consumer can expect to be wooed even more ardently.

It's very complicated of course, because we women are such complex creatures. No standard labels can be slapped on us because our lives change so much from decade to decade. There are also sub-groups within each age group.

For instance, a woman at 25 can be single, adventurous and free-spending or be home-based with a baby or two and restricted to a budget. Their needs, wants and dreams will be very different.

In general, we tend to pass through the following stages:

In your late teens and 20s … you're pushing through your formal education, striking out in your working life and forging your adult path. You also love dressing up and living it up, adore new gadgets, can't live without texting and are enjoying (or planning) overseas adventure. Your social life is strong and the right guy is just around the corner. Your student loan may be a dead weight still, but this era is all about heading into a promising future. What you most want now is excitement and romance.

In your 30s … maybe you're partnered up by now. You could be having babies, or desperately trying for one before it's too late. You've moved on from the high-adventure 20s and possibly want different things now - a place for kids to play and a good school down the road. You may be in your first or second home. You're working hard too, aiming for promotion or business success so you can pay for it all, but it feels like the effort's worth it as you begin to settle and consolidate. What you most want now is partnership and family.

In your 40s… you may be in our busiest parenting years, coping with teenagers or toddlers, probably even more pressured at work, and struggling to pay mortgage, taxes and credit card bills and finding that children's needs are even more expensive and time-consuming than when they were little.

This decade might be your most demanding yet and you're starting to gasp for fun and relaxation because there may not be much of it around. What you most want now is more time for yourself.

In your 50s… maybe you might be easing off a bit, but could also be coming to terms with the sobering idea that this point in your career is as good as it's going to get, and there are yet more pressures to cope with. Health issues might crop up. Suddenly, retirement is only a decade away and that's really scary. Not paid off the mortgage yet? Help. Still got kids at home? Help. Now your parents are needing extra care? Help. What you most want now is more energy.

Of course, your life may not follow that conventional course at all. Maybe you're more interested in work than family. Maybe you've had a marriage or two, or none at all. Maybe Mr Right has turned out to be all wrong and plans you've laid have drifted into confusion.

All of us do share one constant goal in wanting a body that serves us well. It may not be beautiful, but we want it at least to be strong and lithe.

We trust it to keep on carrying on and of course we need positive attitude and equipment to reach that goal - like gym memberships and running shoes and personal trainers.

You can bet that even as you read this, people are planning for all these wants of ours to be met to the max. And of course we'll keep on being responsive to their efforts because we want to be well fed, housed, educated, entertained and transported wherever we want to go, whether it's driving to the local café for lunch with the girls or flying to Europe for a dream holiday.

As a society, we've long been good at blurring the line between our needs and wants. There are only a few things we really need for an adequate life. But 'adequate' doesn't cut it for any of us in the 21st century. The fun starts with the stuff we really want, which of course we still call "needing".

As in, I need those lovely shoes, I need the new drapes in the living room, I need a mondo grass in the garden. Oh, and also, I need a DVD player, that sexy phone, the long weekend in Sydney, dinner at that hot café and the new hairstyle. All of which, as we all know, can make us feel great. For a while. But is the ability to buy lovely things what we really, really want?

There's a lovely Shrek-type tale that addresses the problem of what women want. It's an old story about King Arthur. Out riding one day he is attacked and knocked to the ground by a rival. The winning knight is about to finish him off when he has second thoughts and tells Arthur he'll spare his life if he can answer just one question.

'Yes, yes,' yelps Arthur. 'What is it?'

'I want to know what it is that women really want,' says the rival, warning Arthur that he has just one year to come up with the answer. If he fails, he loses his head.
Arthur rides away smiling, full of confidence. How hard can the question be? Strangely though, all his friends are clueless, though he does hear whispers that just one person in his kingdom might know - a wise but hideous witch.

All out of options, he finally goes to her cave. She says she'll share the secret, but on one condition - that he arranges a marriage between her and Prince Gawain, Arthur's most handsome knight.

'No problem', cries Arthur, appalled for Gawain but also aware that if he fails to find the right answer, he's doomed. 'It's easy,' cackles the hag. 'What women want is to be in charge of their own lives.'

Arthur takes the good news to his arch-rival and his life is duly spared, but gallant Gawain draws the short straw because he has to marry the witch. Bracing himself for the grim challenge of the wedding night, he's happily gobsmacked when he enters the bedroom to find the hag transformed into a lovely woman.

'Because you've been so good, you've given me the strength to change my form,' she explains. But in the morning, after a fabulous night of love, she hands him a new dilemma. 'There's just one hitch,' she says. "I can be beautiful during the day or beautiful by night. The rest of the time, my darling, I have to be loathsome. Which option do you want?'

Gawain can't decide. He's just enjoyed the best night ever and yet he wants to see her beauty in daylight as well. And so he says, 'Honey, you choose' - and with those magic words he enables her to be gorgeous day and night.

The moral of the story is that when we honour and respect other people's choices, everyone benefits. Arthur keeps his head, the witch sheds her ugliness and Gawain gets a lovely bride - all neat and tidy.

Such tidiness eludes us in our own lives however. All of us can surely remember key times when we have (or haven't) chosen well, thus kicking off consequences that have rattled on for years.

Sometimes they're big and obvious moments - as in when you ask yourself, 'Am I really going to marry this guy?' 'Am I sure about leaving the country?' 'Am I totally committed to this job?'

Other times, life doesn't get directed in conscious ways at all. Good fortune, bad luck, chance meetings and accidents can slam-dunk our destinies, just like in the movie Sliding Doors. If we're honest, we'll admit that mostly we get carried along from day to day by stuff that happens to us, rather than by events we are directing.
That's why you can get tired of seminars where experts urge you to do all that goal setting and ladder climbing. It's wiser, maybe, to accept that we just can't be in control 100 per cent of the time and there'll always be periods when other people's wants must take priority, as in when you're caring for a new baby or a sick loved one.

Duty and responsibility often stand in the way of our wants, and that's as true for men as it is for women.

But what we can do is try to be in charge of the moments that matter.

You know when they're upon you because they're gut-churning. It's when you're afraid or excited, maybe goose-pimply, teetering in a situation which demands that you make a big choice. Should I take out that huge loan and buy that business? Should I grab this scary chance now because it might never happen again?
Those seconds when you can be in charge of your life - which was the gift Prince Gawain handed to his wife - have the power to make all the rest of your years fulfilling and rich.

Next time you're at a point when what you decide now is going to set the scene for everything you do next, then listen to both your head and your heart. Note: in the end, you're likely to go with your heart.

And even in considering the routine business of shopping, be aware that the makers of every product are striving to make emotional connections with you so that your wants will be truly satisfied. Every day a thousand Prince Gawains in the retail industry are saying, 'Honey, you choose.'

So make the most of it. It may be just a loaf of bread or a whole new life you're deciding on, but remember, you owe it to yourself to be in charge. That's all we really, really want.

Style magazine